Life Lesson
by Curly Says Go
Summary: Hiei's a new teacher. The schoolboard hates him, the kids love him.... Die you little nuggets! Okay, maybe not....
1. WhoWho

Hiei was sitting down in an armchair, looking at all the children. The children were eyeing him curiously. One blonde-headed boy raised his puny little hand and asked, "Mr. Hiei, what are we learning today?"

"Have you ever asked your parents' where babies come from," Hiei replied. "Well, now here's the answer. Heh, heh, heh..."

He took out a chart, hidden conveniently inside his briefcase. And he held it up as high as he could, which wasn't very high at all because almost half of the chart was on the floor.

"Damn shortness. Just a second, kids," Hiei said as he tried to hook the chart to the board. He jumped and did a little jiggy as he tried to put it on the board. But he was way to short.

"Hey, you there, give me a boost..."

"But Mr.-"

"Shut up and give me a boost!"

With a little frustration, the kid used all of his strength to lift Hiei up.

"Come on, don't they have PE here!" One of the girls raised her puny little hand and answered, "What's a 'PE'?"

"Piss of Education! Now, shut up class!" The kids now looked up at the newly laid up chart. They were surprised to see a man's 'who-who'.

"Now this, my class, is the most dangerous part of a man's body. A who-who, also known as a penis, pecker, wanker, wang, willy (whoa, lotta 'w'), dingle-dangle, twig and two berries, and spaghetti and meatballs."

"Can we call it macaroni and cheese?"

"Sure, kid." Hiei now pointed at the long thingy of the who-who.

"I repeat, a who-who is a dangerous creature. Girls, you do not want to touch one. Not as much for the boys as much for the girls."

"But, Mr. Hiei, what would happen if you touched one?"

"It would spit acid all over you." He now pointed at the two ball-like thingies.

"Now, these are the acid sacks. The only way to kill a who-who is to puncture these. After you kill a who-who, it will slump its little head down and go to sleep. If you see any one that wields a who-who go to the hospital, don't be surprised."

"Now, if a girl meets up with a who-who, know this. Who-who's can be good, but can also be dangerous. First thing you do is grab. By now, your eyes are probably closed, thinking about what would happen next. Don't worry, I won't type that part. Um... I like pie..."

"I like apple-"

"Shut up! I was in the middle of a very interesting conversation. Um... uh..." RING, RING "Oh, class is over! Next lesson, the evil hole, a boy's worst terror."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Might not be as good as you expected it be, cause I did this when I was bored. Hope you like it, and if you don't, feel free to express your opinion.

**CSG**


	2. Suggestive Lesson Plan

"Yeah…umm…"

"What's wrong…"

"Shut up class!"

Hiei was feeling upset at the moment. He wanted to buy a magazine to show to the class, but then he remembered that they (by "they" I mean the school) had regular porno checks and Playboy was not allowed.

Now he's stuck with 28 retarded, dumb-ass children, who couldn't tell the difference between the next-door neighbor's dog and their mothers, without a lesson plan.

So bored, was the only thought in his mind, repeating like a screwed up vinyl record.

"Why don't we play a game?" asked a brown-headed girl in the front of the class.

Bingo, his mind said to him.

"Botan?" Hiei asked uncertainly.

Yes, it's me, his mind said back.

"What're you doing in my head?"

Keeping you in check by using telepathy!

Ho Ho Ho!

"Santa Clause?"

I've come to check if you've been naughty lately. Why of course you have!

"No shit, Sherlock."

No presents for you then. See you in hell.

"Say hi to me when I get there."

Hiei stared back at the class, whom were all very nervous at this point.

"Anywho…Oh yeah…a game…truth or dare!"

And with that all of the students gathered in a circle and started.

At first Hiei thought that it was extremely boring. All the dares were either "pick your nose" or "eat glue" and all the truths were either "what's your favorite color" or shit like that.

"Mr. Hiei, it's your turn"

Hiei looked up and blinked.

Yes! My time to shine!

"Truth or dare?" he said with an impish grin to the little blonde boy across from him.

"Dare."

Perfect.

"I dare you to…" he reached into his desk and pulled out a magazine. "LOOK AT THIS!"

The boy grabbed his eyes and writhed on the floor in agony. "MY EYES!"

If a naked blonde woman flashing her giant, silicon filled beauties wasn't enough, he turned to the next page.

"MICHEAL JACKSON!"

Everyone screamed for mercy and ran around the room as Hiei chased them with a picture of a naked, almost death white man with greasy black hair and suggestive eyes following them wherever they went. And then…

"Random porn check," a school official in uniform said. He had just entered the room.

Hiei stopped dead in his tracks.

"What is all this!" the man said.

"It's my lesson plan," Hiei said casually.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Yeah, I found that two stories was a little too short... So I added a new chapter to 'Life Lesson'... Hope you enjoy it.

**CSG**


	3. Big Boom Botan

Hiei stared blankly at the class in front of him. Last time he met them he was almost fired. _Not my fault children can't stand Michael Jackson _Hiei thought.

"Mister Hiei," a puny blonde boy in the back said, "who is that blue-haired lady next to you?"

"I'm Botan! A pleasure to meet you." The ever happy grim-reaper said.

Ever since Hiei's incident involving pornography started, the school board hired Botan to "protect" the young students. Hiei was not pleased, to put it mildly.

"You can not fathom how much I loathe you right now," the little fire demon said.

"Tough luck! You should have thought about that before your little charade," Botan fired back at Hiei.

"I thought you liked me," Hiei said to Botan.

"Where'd you get that idea from?" Botan said.

"Don't you remember last night at that bar?" Botan stared at him blankly. "You know, I saw you, drunk, then you kissed me then I kissed you and we made out and had se-" Hiei was cut short by a sharp pain in his shin. Botan had kicked him.

"Just start class." Botan said coldly

"Can't," Hiei said bluntly.

"Why ever not?"

"No lesson plan."

"Here," Botan said and handed him an orange portfolio.

Hiei's internal loathing for the grim-reaper swelled. He opened the portfolio and pulled out a piece of paper. He read it.

"So," Botan said, "what do you think?"

"It sucks," Hiei said as he threw it in the trash.

Botan was appalled. "Why don't you like it?"

"It's not exciting."

"You don't call math and English exciting?"

"No."

"Well you don't have any choice," Botan said as she pulled out the lesson plan from the trash. Botan looked up and found Hiei reading a magazine. A dirty magazine. _Damn you Hiei. _

"You were saying, Botan?" Hiei said, scanning each page blankly. Botan grabbed the Magazine and ripped it in half.

"I was saying that we need to continue with class," Botan said to Hiei.

"I was just getting to the part where she sucks his di-" Hiei felt another sharp pain in his shin.

"Just start class," Botan said.

Hiei took the lesson plan and read the first subject for today's agenda: Math.

_Screw it, _Hiei thought.

The second subject was history.

_Boring. _

The third subject was science.

Hiei immediately bolted upright and walked to the cupboard with the word _Science _written on it. After a few moments of digging he found the things he was looking for: vinegar, baking soda, and some plastic bags. He walked over to the sink and filled a plastic bag up to a third full of water. He poured some of the vinegar out of the bottle to fill another third of the bag. Without hesitation he poured some baking soda out of the box and into the bag and zipped the bag shut.

"Botan, catch!"

Botan looked at the bag in bewilderment, as did the rest of the class. The bag was already gurgling. "What the hell?"

_Perfect _Hiei thought.

A large boom was heard throughout the school.

Botan was covered in a brownish gunk from head to toe, as was the students in the first row.

"What was that, Mister Hiei?" said one of the students. Hiei was hidden safely in the back of the class.

"That was our science lesson. Class dismissed."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm gonna try to add a chapter a week; I've been really slow for the past few months.

**CSG**


	4. Field Trip of Horrors I

Hiei looked up at an enormous, yellow bus. It actually looked big to him because he is so tiny.

Hiei, Botan, and the rest of the class where going to the zoo for a field trip. Hiei was the one who decided on this, which made Botan rather nervous.

"Don't do something I wouldn't do," Botan said to Hiei, eyeing him.

Hiei was rather smug about the fact he was leading a pack of idiotic schoolchildren through a public zoo, and no-one can say shit about it.

Hiei tried to get up into the bus, and by try I mean he managed to fail his attempt to get up into the bus three times.

"Can someone give me a hand?" Hiei loathed his tiny stature.

Botan managed to push Hiei up into the bus.

"Ha ha ha! No-one can doubt me!" Hiei said triumphantly. "Now, how to get over the second step?"

……

The bus stopped at the zoo and Hiei jumped out excitingly. He looked unnaturally giddy.

"Isn't it so cool kids!" Hiei sped off into the zoo gates.

"Hiei's quite happy," Botan said. "And quite creepy…"

The last student went off the bus. The students and Botan went into the zoo. They were instantly greeted by the strangest woman.

She had reddish brown hair almost to her shoulder. Her eyes where a deep brown. She was skinny and wore a green and brown uniform with the words "GIVE A FUCKING HOOT! DON'T FUCKING POLLUTE!" Other than the panda ears she wore she looked completely normal. Her nametag said Jonathan.

"Hiya," she said. " I'm Jonathan! I'm a zookeeper."

Surprisingly, Hiei was the first one to ask a question.

"Do you keep zoos?" Hiei stared at Jonathan.

"Kind of…yeah. We keep them…" Jonathan looked at him. "We've got a zoo. A zoo within a zoo. A petting zoo!"

"Wow…" Hiei stared in amazement.

"Well, we have a lot to see so let's get going!" Jonathan turned around and walked down the path. The students followed her.

"What's up with you Hiei?" Botan looked at Hiei with a "you're acting so gay" look.

"I dunno…I think I met her somewhere…hmmm…" Hiei looked retarded, trying to understand the confusion.

…

Jonathan introduced the students to the various lions and tigers and bears…oh my.

"Now this is this is the menacing who-who."

Hiei looked up quickly.

"Just kidding," Jonathan said.

Hiei was really hoping to see one.

"Look over there!" It was Botan. She was pointing into the cage.

In it was a lion and a…

"Oh my god," Hiei said.

A puny blonde boy was in the cage.

"I'll save you!" Hiei leapt up triumphantly. He heroically landed in the cage, flew back to the path with something in his arms. He then landed gracefully on the path.

"Saved him," Hiei said. He then realized that people were running _away _from him. He also realized that he was carrying a lion.

"Oops. Back you go." He leapt back into the cage and rescued the puny blonde boy. He jumped up to the path again.

Hiei looked up and saw Jonathan staring at him.

"I've never seen so many actions written in so few text," she said.

"Excuse me?" Hiei stared blankly.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **The silly blonde boy returns, heh heh. Part two coming soon!

Jonathan McKinley (c) to I Can't Believe I'm Not Anime (my older twin sister)

'We've got a zoo. A zoo within a zoo. A petting zoo!' (c) to I Can't Believe I'm Not Anime

**CSG**


	5. Field Trip of Horrors II

"Lookit how cute he is!" Hiei said as he stared at the gecko on the wall of the reptile house.

Botan looked at the gecko in disgust. She was not a fan of reptiles.

"Let's get out of here," Botan said, "reptiles are ugly."

Hiei paid no mind as he visited the next window in the exhibit. The window displayed a reticulated python.

"Ew," Botan retorted.

Hiei walked around the curved window to get a better look at the huge twenty-foot serpent. He gave Botan a huge smile. A HUGE smile.

Botan was feeling VERY uncomfortable at the moment. Hiei's smile was not merely ear-to-ear but reached outside the confines of his face.

In one nanosecond Hiei dashed out of sight. Botan twisted her head around to see where he had gone. "Hiei?" she said nervously.

She looked inside the display and her jaw dropped.

"Hiei! Get out of there!" Botan saw him in the display with the snake. Though Hiei was very pleased that he managed to get into the snake's "natural" habitat, the python couldn't care less. He looked at Hiei, blinked, and fell asleep again.

"Lookit the widdle python!" Hiei said as the last drop of sanity flew gleefully out of his ear.

"Get your butt back here right now!" Botan demanded.

Hiei grabbed hold of the snake's middle and started picking him up.

"You is a big python! Yes he is!" Hiei said childishly.

Suddenly Jonathan stuck her head out of the bathroom door and said, "He's not even grammatically correct now." She then went back inside and resumed her business.

Hiei was squeezing the python around the middle. The snake was still asleep.

Botan was quite nervous now. A member of the "dedicated" zoo staff can come and find them any minute. Hiei can be charged with harassment of a zoo animal.

"GET OUT OF THERE, THIS INSTINT!" Botan yelled so loudly that Jonathan had to hold onto the toilet paper holder to keep from crashing onto the bathroom floor.

Hiei amazed the students. Not because he was brave enough to hug a big snake, but because they managed to find someone lower on the maturity scale than they are.

"WHEEEE!" Hiei yelled with ferocious glee. "This is so much funnier than the time Botan used a Smirnoff bottle, some duct tape, red food dye, some weird powder, and some uranium isotope 289 to create the worlds most awesome fire cracker ever!"

"Ahhhh, memories," Jonathan said as she finally crashed, face first, onto the floor.

Hiei looked at the snake. "You're name is Mikey McSnuzzenbee from now on. Innit such a cute name?!"

"No it isn't," said a member of the zoo staff as he shot a traquilizer dart straight into Hiei's ass.

* * *

Hiei tried to wake up but, considering his circumstances, it was best not to. 

In fact, he didn't know where he even was. He remembered a sharp pain in his behind before crashing to the zoo exhibit floor. Was he dead?

He tried moving his feet. Nothing. His legs were, for a lack of a better word, noodles.

He tried to scream out something like this: "HELP, I'M PARALYZED!"

But it came out something like this: "MUSKIBBUH FIBBITAH NIGGAH!"

"Who you callin' "niggah", freak?" said someone beside him.

He tried to say something like: "It was just misunderstanding, I swear!"

But it came out like: "BEEEAAATTTCCCHHH!"

"That's it, punk!" said the man as Hiei was punched repeatedly in the face.

* * *

"Okay Hiei. You're free to go," said the guard as he opened the prison door. But something looked strange. It looked as if the entire room was covered with soot. "What happened here?" 

One of the prisoners tried to say something but he was stopped when his shin met Hiei's foot. Hiei had full motion yet again.

"Yes officer?" asked Hiei, unusually polite.

"Uh, you're being picked up." The officer looked around. The prisoners looked strangely blackened.

"By who?" asked Hiei.

"By Botan," said the officer.

_Damn! _This was Hiei's only thought on the matter.

* * *

Botan was waiting in her humble Honda Civic. Her anger could kill an elephant. 

The door to the police station opened as Hiei happily pranced into the warm arms of freedom, only to trip and fall into the hellishly tight squeeze of Botan's wrath.

"Um, hi Botan," Hiei said, cautiously as to not make her head explode in fury (who would clean up that mess?).

"Get in Hiei," said Botan. "We need to talk."

**Author's notes: Why do I take so long? T.T Schoolwork get's in the way of EVERYTHING. Ugh. _CSG_**


End file.
